The context: I just started listening to this podcast series called Kudazzers, and they had an episode a few months back about the “Flop Era”, or the era where they were not at their best and they faced a lot of growing pains. One of the hosts mentioned a long-term relationship(young love) that ended during his flop era. As far as I understood, he and his ex are on civil terms. The relationship made him reflect that he “will never love this way again.” In his words:
*I may love deeper, I may love more profoundly, I may live longer, but I’ll never love that way again. At that time, when we got together, we didn’t have money to our names, we didn’t have anything to our names. Yet we lasted for 5-6 years based on the pure belief that we loved each other until it didn’t work out anymore. That belief tide me over through the worst of times as I was trying to find my niche in the world.
Something stirred in me, a mixture of bitter and sweet feelings. You will not love another person romantically the same way you loved your previous partner.
There is a feeling of bitterness because it is sad that part of your life is over, that person is gone in your life. There is a sense of grief that you won’t be able to express your love to this person in a particular way. Whatever was supposed to be, won’t happen anymore. Whatever you thought and hoped for, for this love could not happen or work out. You feel that it’s the end of the world.
Some people decide they have found this profound love in one person and can no longer find it elsewhere, and that’s respectable. However, most of the time, you don’t stop loving after one person leaves. At some point, you move on. I remember this piece from the book Someone who will love you in all your damaged glory:
**You had every intention of being depressed forever, but as it turns out, there’s work to be done, meals to eat, movies to see, errands to run. You meant to be in ruins permanently, your misery a monument, a gash across the cold hard earth, but honestly, who has time for that? Instead, you survived – apparently, you both did – and things are shockingly okay.
On the other side of the fence, there is a sweet feeling. It only comes as you heal from the loss. Yes, you will never love the same way again because you change, evolve, and learn. For each love you have, you are in a different person, in a different season in life. When you decide to love another person, you will be in a distinct season again, hopefully in a better one. You will show up to your partner otherwise and express your love dissimilarly this time.
I’m no expert on the diversities of love due to lack of experience. However, what I am trying to say is that you don’t need to love someone the same way as you did with another person. Maybe it is better that way. Different kind of love does not mean one is better than the other, it’s just that, different. Perhaps you should stop duplicating the intensity, and chaos of a past love, and instead dive in to what this particular love brings in your life. Hopefully, you stop the cycle of similarly-patterned heartbreaks or mistakes. Treat great loves that were lost as a bittersweet part of your life, but not necessarily something you need to dwell on.
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*Kudazzers: Flop Era Episode Link (click here)
**Bob-Waksberg, Raphael, 2019, Lunch with the Person Who Dumped You, essay from Someone who will love you in all your damaged glory.